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DBA jokes

31 January,2016 by Tom Collins

Life as a DBA can get stressful, so I decided to do a quick survey of colleagues working near me, of DBA jokes they  know. Some are DBA, others are network engineers and hardware specialists.  I felt very left outer.. as I didn’t know any jokes , but they seemed to know a few.

WARNING: Some of these jokes are awful. Read at your own risk


John (DBA):  "How many developers work at your office?"

Gary (DBA): "Mmm, about half of them!"


How many Agile Developers  does it take to change a lightbulb?

It isn't just the lightbulb that needs changing, the all the wiring must be redone


Two packets walk into a bar

One of the packets asks the bartender for a drink, and gets no response

The other packet tries and the bartender shrugs him off

One packet leans to the other and says "The quality of service here is terrible!"


Q: How many hardware engineer does it take to change in a lightbulb?

A: None, it's a software problems


A Query walked into a bar and was soon surrounded by subQueries - it was then he realized he had walked into an Array Bar.


Two SQL Server DBAs walk to a NoSQL bar, but they had to leave because they couldn't find any tables!


Q: Why do you never ask SQL developers to help you move your furniture?

A: They sometimes drop  the tables


What is the difference between God and a DBA?

God doesn't think he's a DBA..


"A man walks into a bar and sees two tables. He picked those two tables after performing a full scan of the other tables in the room. Says 'Can I join you?'"


Q: Why did it take God only 7 days to create the universe?

A: There wasn't any legacy code


Once you've stopped laughing and want to add to the SELECT tion,  post a comment below


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Author: Tom Collins (


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